We will fight what he is fighting.

Tomorrow will mark one month that J has been with us, and what a month it has been. To all of you who have multiple kiddos, especially ones with special needs - my hat's off to you. I am more exhausted than I have ever been (even during nursing school). But every day I am more amazed at God's plan unfolding in our lives and the life of this precious little boy.

Last weekend we had a bowling party for J's 9th birthday. He was so excited about having a few friends and family there to celebrate with him. And he is actually a pretty good bowler (better than Joseph, at least! Haha). I am so thankful to have the support that we have from our family - it has made a world of difference for us and for J. Here's a few shots from the party:

Yesterday we had an appointment with a pediatrician, to get him established in her care. She was able to fill in a lot of gaps in the information we received about J and answer a lot of questions that we had by accessing his past medical records. Thank you, Lord, for electronic medical records (although I don't always feel this way at work!). To be honest, I was overwhelmed at some of what we learned. This whole process has been full of emotions - frustrations over where the system has failed this child, anger over the choices adults in his life made that will affect him forever, sadness because of the brokenness and trauma and loss he has experienced, and joy in knowing that God placed him exactly where he wanted him to be. More than anything, we are determined. We will fight what he is fighting.

The other day another foster mom and friend of mine posted something that resonated with me:

 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." - Matthew 6:34 (The Message) 

In my flesh, I want to get worked up, to worry about the future. I worry about whether he will ever be "normal" or well-adjusted. I worry about if we're doing this right. I worry about things I can't even share here. But God is good, all the time. He's got it all in His hands. And we can choose to worry, or we can trust Him. Even as I write this, tears fill my eyes because I know He is trustworthy. I know He is able. He is able to do miracles, even now. He can touch this child's life, and bring healing, and bring strength to our weakness, and do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine.

God, help us trust you. And thank you for entrusting little J to us. He is a precious life that you formed, and you have big plans for him. And we will fight what he is fighting.

What did we get ourselves into?

Being a parent ain't easy. Being a foster parent would be downright impossible, but for the grace of God.

Let me just fill you in on some of the goings-on in our household in the past couple of weeks. We had the opportunity last weekend to take J to the zoo, where he had never been before. As unremarkable as you and I may find the Jackson Zoo, he thought it was the best thing ever. We happened to go on the day that Eko the Tiger was celebrating his third birthday, and J wanted to bring him home so he could celebrate with us. 😂 He seriously couldn't understand why a tiger living in our backyard was not possible, and was incredibly worried that Eko would be lonely that night all by himself.

This past weekend, we went to Oxford to visit Joseph's parents. His sister and our niece were there too, so it was a lot of fun. Skyla, our niece, just had a birthday, and Joseph's dad and our little man have birthdays coming up, so we celebrated together. It was fun to see J interact with his "cuz," and his "MawMaw" and "GrandPawPaw," as he called them.

We had a great time hanging out with them, but it was not without its moments of stress. Adjusting from being married with no kids to married with a nine-year-old is huge. Factor in some of the unique challenges that come with foster care, and with this particular child, and it's overwhelming.

Mealtime is always tiring for us. This past week we discovered that at his last foster home, they allowed him to eat with his hands, and did not teach him to use a fork or knife. We are constantly reminding him to use his fork, not touch his feet at the dinner table, chew with his mouth closed. Add in a new place and new people, and he was even more distracted than usual this weekend. If I had a nickel for every time I said, "Don't touch your feet," or "use your fork" during a meal this weekend, I would be a rich woman.

One thing we are having to deal with is the system itself. Little J is currently going through a hard adjustment period after being taken off of a medicine that we found out he was never supposed to continue when he came to our home. We were handed three medication bottles and were told we were supposed to be giving them to him, only to find out while trying to get a refill that one of them had been discontinued. To say I was frustrated and upset would be an understatement. Realizing that he had probably already been through this withdrawal period once broke my heart. He is exhausted and can't make it through the day without a nap. Hopefully he will continue to adjust, but right now he is struggling.

I am so thankful for our church family during all of this. We are working hard to make it through the day-to-day, while also trying figure out how to get this little boy everything he needs to get caught up in school and adjust to a new home. Without the folks at Pinelake, I'm not sure how we would make it. Tonight, Abbie and Caleb Koonce are taking him for a couple of hours so Joseph and I can eat dinner together, just the two of us, for the first time in almost three weeks. Starting tomorrow, folks will be bringing us meals three times a week. People, you have no idea how huge this is for us. Becoming a foster parent when you have no biological children is like having a baby - only, I would venture to say, much harder. This child doesn't just eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. He can talk, make messes, break things, have meltdowns...I'll just stop there and say, it's really, really hard sometimes. Were it not for the fact that we know that God has called us to this, I don't know if we could make it. Even then, sometimes Joseph and I look at each other and I know we are both thinking, "What did we get ourselves into?"

But let me tell you something: while I was still a sinner, Christ gave his life for me. I am unlovable, and messy, and broken, and in need, yet Jesus took me into his family. Daily he pours out grace and love into my life that I don't deserve. And he desires for me to allow him to pour out grace and love through my life so that others can know him.

Little J, your life was worth it to Christ. He loves you so much that he laid down his life for you. And I pray that he will give me and Joseph the strength to lay down our lives at the foot of the cross, so that one day you can know him, too.

Week 1 as (foster) parents

How do I even begin to describe our first week as parents? It was our third anniversary and we got a call about a placement. Upon his arrival, Little J got out of the car all smiles and walked straight up to us, and after shaking each of our hands, began to talk nonstop. He was not the shy and quiet child I expected to meet after all he had been through. Joseph showed him inside while I spoke to his social worker briefly. She only stayed for a few minutes, then she left and we were alone with this child who we barely knew. He was exhausted after the day he had and after brushing his teeth and changing into PJ's, he peeled off his clothes and fell into bed, quickly falling asleep. That was way too easy, I thought. Little did I know that he would not always be so easy to put to bed.

We quickly realized that certain vital details about J had been conveniently left out when we were called for placement. Things that we should have been told. But God is in control, and honestly, it's probably better that we didn't know. We may have not accepted this child into our home had we known everything - and it was definitely, 100% God's plan to place him with us. The resources that we have available to us to help this child in areas of need simply overwhelm me when I think about it.

What has been challenging about our new role as parents? Well, the obvious that anyone who's a parent knows - you are responsible for the life of another human being, 100% of the time. I didn't realize how selfish I was with my time before, how much I thought about myself, until now. Now that is really not an option for us. Someone at work asked me how my RA symptoms have been with the stress that comes with becoming a parent. My answer: I haven't had time to really think about it. And now, every decision we make must go through the filter of - how will this affect him? It's a whole new mindset.

We have also been challenged by the needs this child has. We were not prepared for a child with special needs. But we are figuring it out one day at a time, with the help of a solid community of foster/adoptive parents in our area who've been doing this for a while. They are awesome, and we could not make it without them. It takes a village.

For all the challenges, this child is so precious and sweet. My favorite thing is to listen to his prayers. He talks to God like he talks to us, just says what's on his mind. Through the course of a prayer, he usually tells God he loves him at least 4 times. Yesterday when J prayed before dinner, he said, "God, we know you're old, but we love you anyway." (I think he got the idea that God was old from our conversation about how God didn't have a birthday because he'd always been around - this child was wanting to have a birthday party for God, y'all).

I am learning so much about myself and about the Lord from having this little person in our house. God, give us wisdom and strength to parent him well and love him the way that you love us - unconditionally.